This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
