you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
