I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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