God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
