i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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