I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
