I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
