i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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