Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
