I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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