we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
