i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
