sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
