I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
