I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
