I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
