Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
