I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
