Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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