Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
