Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
