3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Randomize
