I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
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