It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
