I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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