but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
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What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
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Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize