I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
