pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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