I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
