Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
