Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
