They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
