I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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