she was so not down for the gang bang
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
