I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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