there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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