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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
