guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
