How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
