if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
