She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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