new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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