Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
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