its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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