oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
