Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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