I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
