i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she smelled like a LAN party
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
