oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
