I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I could fuck to npr.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
