i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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