You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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