i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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